Is A Polyamorous Relationship Right for You? The Truth Revealed
According to Psychology Today, in 2014, at least 9.8 million Americans were engaged in some form of non-monogamy, with the figure increasing to almost 4%-5% in 2019. The “one” is quite the romantic concept among monogamous people.
While the intensity of the love is the same, polyamory basically allows for a person to feel this way for two or more people at once. If you’re interested in the idea of a polyamorous relationship, here’s a brief explanation of the types of polyamory relationships and how it works.
What Is a Polyamorous Relationship?
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The Polyamory Society defines polyamory as the ethical philosophy of simultaneously loving multiple people in an honest, ethical, responsible, and non-possessive manner.
In general, polyamory falls under the scope of ethical non-monogamy. Within polyamory, there are different styles of relationships that you can explore with the people you’re interested in.
How Do Polyamorous Relationships Work?
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You may have heard of “open” relationships. Polyamory is quite similar to this, except there is a lot more structure and communication involved.
In a polyamorous relationship, the following terms will often be used:
Primary partner: They are your priority in a polyamorous relationship where the equations between the participants are ranked.
Secondary partner: A partner you adore just as much but aren’t as invested in as your primary partner.
Metamour: The other partner that your primary partner is in a relationship with.
The people you’re engaging with might be engaging with each other as well, so there is great scope for multiple nurturing relationships. In a polyamorous relationship, all partners are aware of each other’s existence (unless you’re not interested in knowing them), and they may even become each other’s support system.
The key to successful polyamorous relationships is proper communication. The partners involved agree upon mutual needs, rules, and boundaries with each other that ought to be respected at all times.
Does this mean that infidelity does not exist in polyamory? It certainly does. If a partner lies, violates boundaries, or withholds information that was expected to be shared, it amounts to cheating and can hurt, just like in a monogamous relationship.
Are Polyamorous Relationships Healthy?
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Serial monogamists often allege that polyamory is just a fancy word for cheating. This assumption is entirely inaccurate.
Cheating involves deceiving your partner and breaking promises, but polyamory involves shared agreements about how you approach sex and commitment with other people.
Polyamorous people aren’t any less happy than monogamists, as shown in a study by the University of Guelph, Canada. Instead of one agreement with one partner, you have a set of respectful agreements with multiple partners.
With consent, respect, trust, and communication, any polyamorous relationship can flourish.
Rules Of Polyamorous Relationship
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You can’t just create a rulebook to navigate through a polyamorous relationship, but you can settle on a few mutual agreements that keep it healthily afloat.
#1. Talk About How Much You Want to Tell Each Other
Just how much information becomes too much information?
Polyamorous folks may be fine with sharing their partners, but it might be impossible to completely avoid jealousy or feel the need for exclusive attention. Generally, most polyamorous couples agree on sharing cursory details or simply withholding information entirely unless enquired.
This ensures that you have a functioning understanding of your partner and their metamour, without having to know explicit details that may or may not bother you.
#2. Ensure Quality Time
Spending one-on-one time with your partner regularly is crucial, especially when you’re in a polyamorous relationship where someone is your primary partner.
This can be in the form of dinners, nights out, or a movie night. Your quality time is exclusive and wouldn’t involve any of your metamours.
Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be territorial in a polyamorous relationship: you just have to do it in a level-headed, mature way.
#3. Communicate Openly
Given how the dynamic of this setup can change constantly, it is important that you acknowledge your own feelings and express them to your partner/s as well. If you’re feeling the need for extra attention, or you’re interested in someone new, these are all things you may want to let your partner know.
Just like in monogamous relationships, the lack of communication or distance from your partner is definitely something that needs immediate fixing.
#4. Respect Your Metamour
If your primary partner has other partners, or if you’re in a relationship where multiple people are engaging in a different dynamic, respecting all of them is mandatory.
Even if you’re not in contact with your metamours, you’re going to have to be polite and respect everyone’s choices for as long as they’re informed and healthy.
#5. Set Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is integral to maintaining a healthy equation with anyone, be it your partner or your metamours.
Boundaries allow you to predetermine each other’s limits, which is important information to know to avoid unnecessary conflicts. To make sure everyone involved is feeling adequately loved and attended to, there must be clarity about the comfort zones everyone prefers.
8 Types Of Polyamorous Relationship
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Here’s a list that elaborates the eight prominent kinds of polyamorous relationships:
#1. Vee
Literally referring to a “V” shape, this polyamory involves one person who has two partners; and these two partners aren’t romantically or sexually attracted to each other.
#2. Triad
The difference between a Vee and a Triad is that all three partners in a Triad are romantically and/ or sexually involved with each other.
#3. Quad
Here, four partners are involved romantically and/ or sexually with each other.
There are three ways this could be happening; it may just be four people who equally value each other, two primary couples getting together, or a triad seeking one partner.
#4. Hierarchical Polyamory
As the name suggests, the partners involved in this relationship have their own primaries, thus creating a hierarchy.
Usually, the primaries are a married couple looking to date others. The hierarchy would mean that there is extensive emotional involvement within the primaries who take decisions together.
They are essentially each other’s priorities, and their metamours are secondary.
#5. Non Hierarchical Polyamory
Unlike hierarchical polyamory, there isn’t any primary partner in this relationship. All equations are considered equal, or may vary in terms of commitment, energy, and significance.
There is no ranking, regardless of the length of the relationships involved. However, all the participants in this polyamory ensure that everyone else’s needs are met.
#6. Parallel Polyamory
The participants have zero interest in being emotionally involved with their metamours, or even meeting them. They simply acknowledge each other’s existence, while continuing to have private lives with their partners.
#7. Kitchen Table Polyamory
As the name suggests, all participants of this polyamory gather around the kitchen table for various purposes, be it a meal, a game, or a movie night. The group functions as a support system, thus becoming each other’s chosen family.
Therefore, family-style connections are highly encouraged between the participants, regardless of the nature of their relationship with each other.
#8. Solo Polyamory
This is essentially the no-strings-attached version of polyamorous relationships. True to the name, the participants fly solo without committing to a primary partner or engaging in serious relationships. They are their own primary partner.
The polyamory aspect here is their free agency in any number of people as per their liking. This is quite famous amongst recent divorcees and youth looking to play the field.
How Do You Know If It’s Right for You?
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You can figure out if a polyamorous relationship is for you in the following ways:
#1. Understand the nature of your possessiveness. How do you react when someone else is interested in your partner, and the feeling could be mutual?
#2. How many people can you bond with at once? In case you’re the kind to connect with whoever you want to date, you might want to figure out your emotional quotient and your capacity for accommodating emotional relations with several people at once.
#3. If you or your partner want to explore sex outside your equation, together or separately, and you’re both on the same page about it, then polyamory could definitely be an option.
